A year later...

About a year ago...
I remember sitting in front of Dr. Gill at O&G Clinic, HKL. My appointment was to see Dr. Murali. Unfortunately he wasn't available that day. Thus Dr. Gill took over in delivering the lab report/analysis of my ovarian cysts which they took out two weeks before. I went in alone the first time since my number is up but my husband is still looking for parking space.

I remember being so calm when he told me there are cancer cells in my ovarian cysts.

I remember my tears started to roll down endlessly when he said the only way to assure none reoccurrence is to take out my whole reproduction system.

I remember the crying scene repeat itself when I went in the second time with my husband later.

I remember being happy the past few months for two obvious reasons; I've completed my chemotherapy cycle, and the reading of protein CA125 which indicates the level of cancerous cell in my blood is under control.

Last week, everything sorts of crumble again as I listened to Dr. Murali telling me that the reading of protein CA125 in my blood has shoot up and went beyond the safe level.

I remember sitting in front of him feeling numb. Not shocked just numb.

I remember not crying but chuckling at the absurdity at the turn around of event.

Although its not final yet, not until next week when my latest blood test and CT scan results of this week will verify the previous blood test result, I do have to think of the possibility of having to go through another cycle of chemotherapy. Plus the other possibility. Yes, not being able to... Allah forbid, I don't want to think about it but sometimes the thought does cross my mind.

As I walk out of the O&G Clinic last week, I told myself to be strong and to pray for the best.
( I didn't call my husband immediately. I waited until that evening, after dinner to tell him the sad news.)

I keep telling myself, may be, just may be, this is Allah's way to remind me to give more sedaqah as I've planned to. Yes, I've planned to give more sedaqah but yet to fulfill it.

I keep praying to Allah;
"Ya Allah, please give us strength to face this challenge. And please reward us upon our patience in facing this challenge."

*The 2nd sentence in my prayer is actually a prayer cited by a muslimah during our Prophet Muhammad time. I don't really remember her exact name but I remember the history. She lost her sons (3 sons if my memory serves me well) to the war between Muslims and Kuffar. Allah rewarded her for her patience when Prophet Muhammad makes her his wife.

Empat Ringgit ye?!

Hubby SMS [Sayang, hujan lebat tak kat sana?]
Me SMS [Biasa-biasa je. Kat Puchong hujan lebat ke?]
Hubby SMS [Hujan lebat kat sini]

Actually, it was raining quite heavily yesterday at my office area. But I planned to reached home before 7 p.m. and that means I have to take a bus or taxi to go home. If I waited for my husband to pick me up, it's going to be a little bit late. So once the rain stopped raining, I quickly left my office and headed to the bus stop. Alhamdulillah, I didn't have to wait for long.

I can already saw a line of taxis alongside the road when the bus reached the LRT station. I headed to the first taxi.

Me [Taman XXXXXXX]
Taxi Driver [Empat ringgit ye]
Me [Eh! Rumah saya dekat je. Dekat Taman XXXXXXX]
I repeated my location because I thought he misheard me. It usually cost me about RM2.60 by taxi to get to my apartment.
Taxi Driver [Saya kena ambik Empat Ringgit. Saya dah tunggu lama!]
Me [Takpelah!]WTH!!! Hey jerk! Yours is not the only taxi here.

I get out of the taxi feeling very angry. What right did that stupid taxi driver has to ask me to pay RM4?. What's more, his stupid reason is because he has waited there for a long time. HELLOOO!!! I didn't personally ask you to wait there. You make yourself wait for passengers there instead of circling the town looking for coustomers. Hell no! I'm not going to pay RM4. Not that I'm stingy but it's because you are such a leech!

I regret the fact that I didn't take his taxi plat number. I don't really want to make a report to JPJ (Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan). I just want to scare him off. But I did pray that he will make as little as possible for this whole week.

I waited until a few taxi passed by. Finally I got on to this one taxi. A nice 'Pakcik' who actually noticed my little scene just now (getting out of the taxi). I paid him RM3 even though the meter showed the taxi fees is just RM2.60. He didn't ask for it. But he's nice and courteous. He deserves it. And I also pray to Allah that this Pakcik will be blessed with prosperity.

Happy Mother's Day :D

I'm not a mother yet. Insya-Allah, I hope once I've finished my probation period-2 years after a complete cycle of chemotheraphy- my husband and I will have the chance to have few children of our own. Yes, I like children, but I don't know whether I can be a good mother or not. I hope I can.

I don't really celebrate mother's day because I think I have to appreciate my mother everyday. Just in my case, it's not actually my mother, it's my grandmother. Not because I don't have a mother but it's more because my grandmother is the person who raised me up since I was baby. She's the figure who took care of me and also who spanked me when she feels I've done something inappropriate. She's the one who stands beside me all this while. Of course now I'm married I have the honor of having two people standing beside me.

We do have our differences. Especially in our perspectives. She was born in 1950s and I was born in 1970s. The 40 years age gap tells it all. I still remember one heated arguement that we had almost 8 years back, and she cried. I regret it tremendously. But at the same time it makes me realize our differences in opinion. From that time, I learn slowly how to make her see different sides of circumstances without causing any arguement between us; and of course she's very unwilling to give up her first thought.

Although we live far apart from each other-not that far actually- about 110km, the distance doesn't seperate us; it just makes us closer emotionally. Recently, something went wrong with her left eye-one which just undergone a cataract operation. Not surprisingly, I'm the first person she called. I appreciate the fact that I'm the person she turns to whenever she fall sick; or when something disturbs her emotion. I'm very grateful too that my husband does not just understand the bond between me and my grandmother, but he is also very supportive of it.

My grandmother will not be able to read this as she doesn't 'do internet' and she doesn't read English, but I hope she knows how much I love her. Actually, I do not just love her, but I also respect her for raising me up and not spoiling me. She gave me the space to grow up independently but at the same time being very strict on the dos and don'ts. She may just finish her standard 6 but she won't let her children (including me and my sister) to settle for less. One thing I'm sure about, second to Allah's will, I won't be where I am now if its not because of her.

NBA again..

I purposely take a day off today to watch Game 3 between New Orleans-Oklahoma City HORNETS and San Antonia SPURS( which I mentioned before that I hated them very much) of the NBA Playoffs.

Resting at home.. bestnya :D

Tunggu suap segala..

Awal Januari hari tu, saya terima panggilan dari sebuah pusat tusyen. Meminta saya datang untuk temuduga. Sebenarnya, dalam tahun lepas beberapa bulan sebelum saya berkahwin, memang saya ada mengajar di pusat tusyen tersebut. Selepas kahwin pun saya sempat mengajar selama sebulan sebelum saya disahkan menghidap( eeii.. tak sukanya perkataan ni) kanser ovari. Di sebabkan saya tak dapat nak bagi komitmen- yelah kena pergi keomterapi, pastu terlantar lembik untuk 3-4 hari. Maka saya pun minta diberhentikan.

Panggilan yg saya terima awal Januari tu terpaksa saya tolak dengan alasan kesihatan saya masih belum betul-betul pulih. Padahal saya dah habis pun menjalani rawatan kemoterapi. Saya tak ada apa-apa tak puas hati dengan pusat tusyen tu. Bayaran ok, pekerja kat situ pun peramah. Diorang bagi saya flexibility masa yg saya suka. Cumanya, diri saya tak bole menerima pendidikan yang di beri di pusat tusyen. Kiranya bertentangan dengan prinsip sayalah. Bukan pusat tusyen itu saja, semua pusat tusyen pun saya rasa sama jek. Mungkin bagi sesetengah orang, tak kisahlah asalkan boleh dapat duit. Saya pun kalau ikutkan nak buat duit, memang saya sanggup je mengajar tusyen. Tapi tulah kan, lain orang, lain caranya.

Budak-budak yg pergi tusyen ni ada 2 jenis.
1- Budak2 yang memang nak belajar.
Golongan ni pulak terbahagi 2.
- diorg datang tusyen untuk tambah apa yg diorg dah belajar kat sekolah.
- diorg nak amik peperiksaan besar seperti PMR/SPM.

2- Budak2 yg mak pak paksa soh tusyen.
Pun sama. Golongan ni pun terbahagi 2.
- diorg ni kalau kat rumah tak belajar. Mak pak diorg pk pusat tusyen ni ala2 program Akademi Fantasia yg boleh jadikan anak dia serta merta pandai.
- Mak pak risau anak diorg tak belajar padahal PMR/SPM depan mata.

Bila saya mengajar di pusat tusyen dulu tu, saya mengajar Matematik Tingkatan 1&2(T1 &T2). Matematik Tambahan& Fizik untuk Tingkatan 4&5(T4& T5). Majoritinya memang ok lah dari segi perangai. Cuma ada beberapa kerat yg memang mencabar kesabaran saya.

Contoh 1: Dalam kelas Tingkatan 1
Ada seorg murid, biar saya namakan A saja. Dia ni betul-betul lemah. Boleh diibaratkan satu apa pun dia tak tahu. Bukan saya tak cuba beri tumpuan lebih padanya. Bayangkan macam mana saya nak ajar dia silibus Tingkatan 1 kalau sifir 4 pun dia tak hafal. Operasi darab& bahagi apatah lagi. Saya jujurnya sangat kasihankan ibubapanya. Sama ada mereka tak tahu bahawa anaknya benar2lemah ataupun mereka hanya tahu hantar anak ke tusyen ataupun mereka fikir pusat tusyen ni penuh keajaiban ala2 Alice in Wonderland gitu?
Saya betul-betul tak paham. What do they expect? We to transform their son?!!
Satu hari terjadilah dialog begini antara saya dan murid A.

Murid A: Cikgu, boleh tak saya guna kalkulator?
Saya: Kat sekolah boleh tak?
Sebab saya tak tau sistem di sekolah. Mungkin sebab saya tak bagi guna kalkulator maka dia agak lambat nak pick up, pk saya.
Murid A: Boleh.
Murid- murid lain: Sekolah saya tak boleh - Sekolah saya boleh.
Bertindan-tindan respon mereka menjawab pertanyaan saya.
Saya: OK. A saja boleh pakai kalkulator.
Murid A: masih terkial-kial menyiapkan latihan biarpun menggunakan kalkulator. Saya tengok dia tekan butang itu,tekan butang ini.
Saya: Awak pandai tak guna kalkulator?
Murid A: Terkebil-kebil memandang saya.
Saya: La.. ingatkan tahu guna. Lebih baik awak hafal sifir kalau tak tahu guna kalkulator.

Contoh 2: Dalam kelas Tingkatan 2.
Seorang budak lelaki, nama B. Pencapaian sederhana. Tapi mulutnya sangat pantas menjawab terutama pada soalan2 yg tak berkaitan dengan pelajaran. Pemalas pun ye jugak. Satu hari:-

Murid B: Cikgu mengajar kat mana?
Saya: Kat Universiti.....
Murid B: Cikgu, sekarang masuk universiti pun belum tentu keluar dapat kerja.
dengan nada yg sungguh la kurang sopannya
Saya: Habis tu kamu tak mahu masuk universitilah? Kalau tak masuk universiti, apa rancangan kamu?
Murid B: Artis tu tak masuk universiti pun boleh kaya.
Saya: Oooo.. kamu nak jadi artis ke? Kamu silap. Kamu masuk universiti bukan sekadar sebab nak dapat kerja. Tapi untuk cari ilmu.
Kesian kan dengan budak2 yg secara tak langsung telah dipengaruhi mentalitinya. Tak taulah saya sama ada sekadar dipengaruhi oleh media massa ataupun ibubapa diorg ni pun pk perkara yg sama.

Di atas sekadar 2 contoh. Apa yg menyebabkan saya merasakan mengajar tusyenni tak kena dgnj iwa saya ialah:-

1- Saya bersemangat nak mengajar bila pelajar saya betul2 nak belajar. Yg penting semangat tu ada. Kalau lembab, atau susah nak paham, saya boleh terima. Tapi budak2 yg memang MALAS, aduh.. geramnya. Rasa nak cubit2 je. Dan bila ada 2-3 orang yg malas dalam kelas tu, memang menganggulah konsentrasi. Nak cubit, dah besar. Nak marah, eeeuuww.. tak larat dah.

2-Bila saya mengajar, saya nak pastikan pelajar2 saya faham apa yg saya ajar. Kalau diorg tak paham, mesti ada sebab. Sama ada cara penyampaian saya tidak bagus, atau diorg tak mau berusaha untuk faham. Kalau jenis yg paham atau tak paham, dia tak kisah. Sebabnya, bukan dia yg nak sgt pegi tusyen. Bukan dia jugak yg nak sgt ambik exam. Mak pak dia je yg beria-ia. Budak2 mcm ni, kalau ikutkan hati saya nak belasah jek. Yelah, kecik2 dah menyusahkan mak pak.

3- Pusat2 tusyen ni sebenarnya bukan kisah sgt budak2 ni paham atau tidak apa yg diorg pelajari. Yg penting, budak2 ni boleh jawab soalan exam. Kalau budak2 ni boleh jawab soalan exam, pusat tusyen akan dapat nama. Jadik, apa cara sekalipun kita yg mengajar ni kena pastikan budak2 ni boleh jawab soalan exam. Paham tak paham tu belakang kira.

4- Dan perkara yg paling memualkan saya dengan kebanyakan pusat tusyen ialah kebanyakan pusat2 tusyen ni membocorkan soalan kepada para pelajarnya (pusat tusyen tempat saya mengajar dulu tu, setakat yg saya tahu tak terlibatlah). Termasuklah soalan PMR/SPM. Yelah kan, bila diorg bagi soalan bocor, mesti ramai pelajar kat pusat diorg yg cemerlang. Bila ramai pelajar cemerlang, naiklah status pusat-pusat tusyen ni di mata mak bapak. Makin tinggi status, makin glamer. Lantas, banyaklah masyuk untuk tahun-tahun seterusnya.

Kesimpulannya, pusat tusyen ni tak semuanya bagus. banyak yg tak bagus dari yg bagus. Buat ibubapa yg berkemampuan mengajar sendiri anak2 korang, cubalah.
Dan saya ni konon2nya buat masa ni memang berazam. Seboleh mungkin saya tak mahu anak-anak saya nanti dihantar ke pusat tusyen. Harap2nya saya mampu mengajar & memantau perkembangan akademik anak2 saya nanti. Insya-Allah.

When U look in the Eyes

I love this song. Especially the part of lyrics which I've highlighted :)

"When You Look Me In The Eyes" by JONAS BROTHERS


If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone,
I'll never make it on my own
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,
There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

How long will I be waiting,
To be with you again
Gonna tell you that I love you,
In the best way that I can.
I can't take a day without you here,
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

More and more, I start to realize,
I can reach my tomorrow,
I can hold my head up high,
And it's all because you're by my side.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When I hold you in my arms,
I know that it's forever.
I just gotta let you know,
I never wanna let you go.

When you look me in the eyes.

And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.
Oh

Mangsa Angin Lintang Ku

Perihal ni tak ada kena mengena dengan angin lintang yang selalu melintang di highway menuju ke arah Selatan Semenanjung Malaysia.

Ini perihal angin aku yang tiba-tiba je melintang beberapa hari sudah. Kesian mangsanya. Siapa lagi kalau bukan suami aku. Tak pasal-pasal jadik mangsa.

Kalau dulu bila orang kata kebanyakan orang perempuan ni 'moody', aku dengan pantasnya pasti membangkang. Sekarang pun tetap membangkang. Tapi bila diri sendiri yang dilanda angin lintang tak tentu pasal, tentunya aku tak boleh nak membangkang keras macam dulukan :D

Suami aku tu tak ada silap apa pun. Cuma minggu lepas, masa kat 1 trafik light- masa tu lampu merah. Suami aku pun berhenti sementara nak tunggu lampu hijau untuk buat U-turn kat situ. Alih-alih masa tengah berhenti tu, ada bunyi hon dari belakang. Kebetulan pulak lampu trafik untuk pemandu yg nak menghala terus ke depan dah bertukar warna hijau. Masa tu suami aku mula menggerakkan kereta. Aku ingatkan suami aku terkeliru.

Tindakan refleks aku: sepantas mungkin berkata " Abang, belum hijau lagi!!!"
Tindakan refleks suamiku: "Abang tau! Kan ambulans kat belakang tu. Merah pun kenalah bagi jalan."

Aku minta maaf dan cuba explain pada suamiku tindakan refleks aku tadi. Tapi tak ada tindak balas pun darinya. Aku fikir dia marah. Lantas aku pun terus merajuk- angin lintangku dah melanda.

Bila esoknya suamiku tanya kenapa, aku sendiri pun malu nak cakap kenapa. Yelah kan, perkara kecil macam tu pun boleh menyebabkan terjadinya angin lintang. Huhuhu..

Sebab malu nak cakap berdepan, aku sms je suamiku. Rupa-rupanya dia tak marah pun. Cuma terkejut dengan tindakan refleks aku.

Huh!!! Buang masa jek melayan angin lintang ni!