After everything has been said and done

I went to see my supervisor the day after I submitted my thesis. Supposedly I have to get her signature on the thesis submission form prior to submitting my thesis to the postgraduate office but I forgot. Hehe... (Nasib baiklah staff kat kaunter tu terima je thesis daku setelah melihat muka blur daku).

While signing the form, she asked "Are you satisfied [with you thesis]?"

I almost said "NO" but quickly change my mind and said "About 90%".

"That's a miracle coming from you."

It was a huge relief to finally submit my thesis after 4 years of studying and working. Of course given a choice, I would want to redo some part of it (continue some simulation, read some more journals, bla bla bla).

About a week after the submission, I received an e-mail from my supervisor, A forwarded e-mail between her and my internal and external examiners discussing the date for my viva. They agreed to have the viva on the afternoon of the second week of March, 2013. So I have just few weeks to prepare for my viva as well as packing our stuff to go back home. Remember, I have used up my four years of study leave from Ministry of Higher Education hence I have to go back home at the soonest possible. So we decided to book a small freight with a shipping company to come and collect our stuff and booked flight tickets to go home few days after I sit for my viva.

I have always thought we don't have that much of stuff because we rarely go to car boot sales and we rarely bid on e-bay. All the stuff we bought are planned for. So when it comes to packing our stuff I thought it won't take more than a week. Oh! How wrong can I be! Eeek! So don't underestimate how much stuff do you have.

Honestly I only start reading my thesis from cover to cover a week before my viva. I also used that time to run some more simulation on my mathematical model; on the part which I think the examiners might have questions. Oh! I manage to slip in sewing some pants for Auni during this time.

My husband and daughter were ready to send me to school about one and half hour before my viva took place. As we were just about to go out, there is a water leakage from upstairs. Urrghhh! Seriously, the tenant upstairs is making me crazy. She and her son manage to drive us crazy with their constant water leakage from their kitchen. The saddest part is the leakage goes straight to the place where we drain our dinnerware. My husband urges me to just leave the mess and let him clear it once he gets home. Of course I said NO, so I clean up the mess, rewash the dinnerware and put them away. Oh! I also went to see the upstairs tenant and give my piece of mind.

I sat with my supervisor for half an hour before the viva start, just for a small chat. I was a little nervous but not nervous nervous. At that point, the feeling that I have is more like "This is it and I am dead tired, I know what I am doing, I will explain and answer any questions the best I can." I also chat with my postdoc for few minutes. I am glad I took his advice, "Enjoy your viva, this is the only time you get to really talk about your thesis."

The viva took about two and half hours. Both of the examiners were nice; they set the atmosphere of the viva to feel more like a discussion rather than an exam. I still remember the external examiner introduction of the viva "We are trying to determine whether you did the work that was written in the thesis..."

I waited about 20 minutes outside the room where I had my viva before the internal examiner call me in. So the grand finale finally is here. I can hardly suppressed my excitement when the external examiners said "Reading your thesis is a pleasure to both of us." At that moment, the only thought that cross my mind is 'I think I pass the viva. Oh! I HOPE I pass.'

The external examiner then continued on saying "Congratulations, you are awarded a PhD subjected to the six months corrections, Dr. Nor Fadhillah."
(Rasa nak melompat pun ada masa ni, hahaha).

So, after everything has been said and done, this is it:

Life can be hard sometimes

Life a little crazy these days. With my husband working almost full time and me trying to finish this endless journey. Yes, I am still writing my thesis. In the middle of that, I am still working on my second case study. Totally different data set (i.e. different measurement, different variables, etc). To make things more worse challenging, after I have produced multiple sets of results from my model on this data, we (my postdoc, the professor from the collaboration research team & myself) found that the analysis just represent 5% of the total data population. Eeekkk... It is not anybody fault. Let's just say things happen and they happen for a reason. This happened mid-August. So by now, I've recovered from the stress and panic that glitch had caused.

I've met with my supervisor last two weeks and highligted some obsevations and conclusions drawn from my second case study. Also, I try to negotiate with her to put a pause/stop in this second case study. I totally understand why they (research team) are passionate with the method I'm working on but I am at the point where I want to continue with the research but my funding has already run out. In fact, my funds ran out in July 2012. This second case study (as well as my first case study) if fully succesfull will be quite a breakthrough in an emerging field.

Pushing through all this hardships has most of the time takes its toll on me. Really. I'm ever so grateful to Allah for giving an understanding and supportive husband. Sometimes he can looks like he does not care because he didn't ask about my research progress. But I know he cares when he is alright if I don't cook for certain day (which is seldom), when he said we arrange for packing our things once you get your date for viva, and many other instances.

Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu 

(O the Living, O the Eternal, I seek help in Your grace)

When REALITY hits!

I was cleaning up my e-mail draft when I found the following rant of mine. I wrote this quite a while ago.

*********************************************************************************
It was 5.30 in the evening. I was on my way to the toilet to clean up my coffee mug so that I have a clean mug to make coffee for tomorrow. At the landing of the staircase, I ran into Dr. Katarina, a previous ‘officemate’ of mine. She is a post-doc at our department in the university. We talked for few minutes mostly about how am I coping with work (and life!) after having a baby.

The conversation got me thinking of several things. Among others are:
· period of maternity leave
· quality time with my daughter
· bringing work back home

Most companies in the UK allows a maternity leave of 26 weeks of Ordinary Maternity Leave and 26 weeks of Additional Maternity Leave making that 52 weeks ( 1 year!) in total. It is a paid leave albeit not in full as is your salary. OK, enough about maternity leave.

I still remember my disbelief when a friend of mine who have two kids told me that she did not have time to watch any TV programme. By the way, she is working on her PhD too. I was pregnant at that time and I said,

“I’m busy too but I manage to fit in watching TV while folding my laundry.”

Now is when the reality hits me HARD.

I am a big fan of the Desperate Housewives series. I never missed an episode and I can never miss an episode. But now, it takes me like five sits to actually finish an episode. I’ve already mention it in my previous post, once I am home, my focus is my daughter until her bedtime is up. Once I put her to sleep, I am too tired to watch anything, sleeping is much more inviting.

I am pretty sure part of this is because of I am working on my PhD now. I am not one who likes to compare myself to others but I cannot help if some of my friends put up their facebook status as ‘… watching bla bla bla…” I do envy them.

I know some of you who read this up until this point will think that I am boasting. The thought “As if she’s the only one who is doing Phd” probably run through your head. Truth is I am not. This is my reality. Yours is probably different than mine, either its worse or better. I hope yours is the latter.

Bringing work back home is not something alien to me even during those days when I was still single. So when Dr. Katarina said she stayed up at night to finish her work, I totally understand that. The only difference is, I hardly stay up but I wake up early. Sometimes I do wonder how it feels to have a job where you do not have to physically bring home any work. Again I am by no means saying that my job is greater or better than others. And by no means I am whining. I am just wondering...

Nobody begins their PhD with an aim not to finish (on time)

I wrote the above as my FB status last week. No, I wasn't particularly feeling extra sensitive or edgy when I wrote that down. Honest! It just crossed my mind that most people (especially those who are not working on getting a PhD) do not have a single idea on what a PhD is all about.

Some thought working on a PhD is similar to studying for your Bachelor degree (i.e. in 4-5 years, you'll graduate)

Some thought if you are a genius, you'll definitely get a PhD.

Some thought as long as you study like MAD (like those SPM candidates), you'll PASS your VIVA.

Some thought you have to go to classes just like undergrads.

Some thought you have semester breaks, again, just like undergrads.

Some thought if you are not anywhere near the university,  you are LAZY!

Let me tell you one thing, all the above are WRONG! Well, some are partially wrong.

In less than 0.01% is PhD similar to a Bachelor degree. In what way it is similar? The part that you have to know how to read and write. The rest aren't!

Being a genius is not a guarantee that a PhD is definitely yours. But being determine and persevere does.
edited: But being determine and persevere do help though it is still not guaranteed.
Of course you need to study like MAD, but not MAD MAD. You need to be critical of what you read & write. Also, critical but not overthinking and certainly not afraid of 'what if it fails?' in determining the methods (methodology) to achieve your objectives.
Yes, as a PhD candidate/student you may have to attend classes but there's a difference. Undergrads have their paths mapped out, what classes you take, when to take it, etc. In my case, I am not required to take any classes but I have to attend numbers of workshops (certain amount of credit hours per study year are compulsory) . So in regards to my information on PhD classes, if my information is not up to date, I apologize.
PhD students do not have semester breaks but we can apply for annual leave. In my university, we are entitled for 30 days annual leave per year (if I'm not mistaken).

PhD students have the flexibility to work from home. Probably not all, but I do. I can choose to work from home if I wish too. My supervisors are OK with that.

I notice an Anonymous leaving a comment in this post. Ms/Mr Anonymous ask:
assalam.


faham tentang ikat perut pelajar phd di sana.cuma tak berapa nak faham sebab ramai jgk pelajar yang tak habis pengajian dlm masa yg ditetapkan oleh majikan. berlainan kalau pergi ke jepun. maaf saya hanya nak tahu.

wassalam.
July 18, 2012 7:17 PM

I will answer this in a later post, insya-Allah once I'm done with my writing up of the thesis. I will share with you (not just Ms/Mr Anonymous, but anyone who's willing to read a probably long post) my journey in working on my PhD. Probably from that, you'll gain an insight to answer the above question yourself. I can't promise when though.

For now let me finish with this:

Nobody (in their right mind) would want to not complete their PhD the soonest possible.

Ramadhan Kareem to all :)

We are going to German! :))

Well, we are not actually going to German any time soon. Nothing is confirmed until I give birth to our baby. So everything depends...

Nevertheless, I am very happy indeed. The abstract which I send to a conference in Germany is accepted. I sent the abstract in February early this year and the conference committee informed me that they will let me know whether the abstract is accepted or not by early May. First week of May passed without any e-mail. So I give up any hope. May be another time. I am also busy writing a paper for a journal publication at that time. I promise my supervisors that I will submit the draft by end of April. However, I haven't finished writing until end of May. There are a lot of reading and thinking going through that writing process. Not to mention, drawing plenty of figures to suit my explanation. I guess I am fortunate enough to have understanding supervisors. I apologize to my main supervisor for being 1 month late in submitting the draft and she said, "I totally understand. A lot is going on while you write [thinking, clarifying your results and discussion]."

Then by almost middle of May, I received the conference approval e-mail requesting my confirmation for oral presentation. Alhamdulillah. Yeay!!! I immediately forward the acceptance e-mail to my supervisor. She is happy too :)

Then a reality hit! My baby is due on 23th of August. The conference is from 25th to 29th of September. Hari Raya Aidilfitri (Eid celebration) is probably going to be on 30th August. So basically, we have less than a month to go Malaysian Student Department in London and apply for a passport for our baby. Mind you, it takes about 5 hourse drive from Newcastle to London. Plus I am still within my confinement period during that time.

Hemm.. make that 2 WEEKS! I bet the staff at the Malaysian Student Department will be on Hari Raya leave for at least a few days. Then we probably have to apply for a visa too. I need to ask UK Border Agency about this because if its possible, I don't want to apply for our baby's visa until November. Reason is, we are going to renew our visa then. So if I apply for our baby's visa now, the life period of that visa is not worth the money I am paying for it. When I renew my visa this coming November, I need to renew our baby's visa as well. URRRGHHHH!!!

Again, I am so grateful to Allah for having a kind supervisor. I discuss with her yesterday about my plan on presenting my work in German, bringing my husband and baby along, and my worries if I can't make it. So the plan for now is to book a ticket which you can change the name on the ticket if anything happens. I don't even know what do they call that kind of ticket (nampak sangat tak selalu naik kapal terbang, huhuhu...)

I think for now I just do what I can. If it is meant to be, it's meant to be...

Orang dah viva, awak?

Kelmarin, hari Selasa, kawan seopis/ sebilik saya Heather, datang untuk viva. Dalam 2.5 jam lebih dia kembali ke opis dengan senyum riang gembira. Lulus dengan minor correction (1 bulan untuk buat correction). Macam syok je kan dah viva. Saya taklah berangan pun nak viva lagi, menulis pun baru ada sepatah dua kata. Tapi bila memikirkan viva memang rasa berdebar je. Even when writing discussions and analyses on my results pun dah terfikir, agak-agaknya nanti examiner akan tanya apa pasal discussion ni.

Memang pun sebenarnya masa kita menulis kita patut keep in mind perkara-perkata seperti:
-kalau tulis macam ni, tala mana examiner akan tanya
-kalau guna perkataan "claim" instead of "suggest", agak-agak examiner akan argue tak
-elakkan dari menggunakan frasa "My method/study is the best solution to the problem." Ini statement mungkin akan makan tuan. Jaga-jaga ;P

Pada saya setakat ni, perkara yang paling susah dalam perjalanan PhD ni ialah MENULIS!. To master the art of writing an academic piece of work is not easy. Kalau tak percaya, cubalah ambil kelas Scientific Writing ataupun Thesis/ Dissertation Writing.

Sekarang bilik tempat saya duduk buat kerja ni tinggal dua orang je. Masa saya mula-mula mendaftar dulu, dalam bilik ni ada 4 orang. Dua orang post-doc dan dua orang post-grad, Heather dan sayalah tu. Awal tahun lepas, sorang post-doc tu habis kontrak dan seorang lagi pindah bilik lain, dia dapat kerja tetap ke apa ntah dengan school ni. Kemudian, dalam bulan April/ Mei tahun lepas, Heather tu dah habis tempoh PhD dia dan dapat kerja. Masa tu dia tinggal nak writing up je. Tinggallah saya seorang sampailah awal tahun 2011 ni, ada seorang lelaki Sepanyol datang menghuni bilik ni. Kami sama-sama tak peramah, jadi taklah berborak pun, cuma cakap Hi, Hello gitu je.

Sebelum Heather balik lepas viva tu, kami borak-borak sikit. Borak pasal PhD ni la. Betapa adakalanya susah nak keep the motivation going and to stay focus. Tulah, untuk buat PhD ni pada saya tidak memerlukan seseorang tu bijak yahamat; atau perlu seseorang yang sentiasa top in the class. Pada saya, perkara yang menduduki carta teratas ialah disiplin diri. Saya bukan nak menasihat sesiapa ye.

Ini cuma apa yg saya perhatikan pada diri sendiri. Nak maintain disiplin diri bukanlah perkara mudah. Tambah-tambah, bila buat PhD ni, kita sendiri yang atur jadual kita dan kita sendiri yang tentukan waktu bekerja kita. Memanglah ada due date tertentu untuk conference papers, presentation dan sebagainya tapi >90% dari tugasan PhD terpulang pada kita.

Saya sendiri pun, kadang-kadang bersemangat tapi kadang-kadang rasa lesu. Tambah-tambah bila perasan dapat result yg kekonon best gitu. Bila tunjuk kat supervisor, katanya, "This is really great. Very interesting."
Dalam hati saya fikir, bestnya, dah boleh bersenang-senang ke i.e. dah takde further tasks, alih-alih, laaa... Tak habis lagi ke, ada lagi nak buat ke... Emm... walaupun topik atau bidang PhD yang kita buat kajian tu menarik, tapi kadang-kadang naik muak jugak tengok benda yang serupa.

Ala... Senang Je Tu

Tak kisahlah sama ada korang tengah amik degree, master atau PhD, hatta sijil dan diploma sekalipun. Pernah tak ada orang yang cakap dengan korang apa yang korang buat tu senang ataupun mudah? Semudah mengorder roti canai dan teh tarik kat kedai mamak? Tak pun semudah berhutang dengan Kot Mamot yg hampeh itu? Pernah? Tak pernah? Kalau tak pernah, luahan aku ni tak berkaitan sangatlah dengan korang.

Ini kisah pasal PhD aku. Ex-student aku Aziz @ Aku Dan Hidupku Yang Agak Bosan (panjangnya tajuk blog dia ;P ) pernah tanya, PhD Madam ni pasal apa? Ceritalah sikit.

OK, basically PhD aku berkaitan dengan analisis data dari bioproses, dalam bahasa Inggeris, Bioprocess Data Analysis. Data yang aku analisis ni datangnya dari industrial process. Maksudnya, ia bukanlah data yang aku kutip dari eksperimen dalam makmal tetapi data yang datangnya dari kilang. Tentunya bukan aku yang collect data tu. Tentunya bukan aku juga yang set up eksperimen tu. Data yang dikutip dari proses kat kilang ni jujurnya lebih dari beribu-ribu lemon. Senang cite, kilang ni nak cipta sejenis ubat/antibodi. Untuk menghasilkan satu-satu ubat atau antibodi, memakan masa bertahun-tahun. Bukan macam ubat kurus dari China atau dari Malaysia, kajian setakat 2 tahun dah boleh market ubat kurus yang konon-kononnya sangat mujarab itu.

Proses dari awal hingga akhir penghasilan ubat/antibodi membolehkan terhasilnya 3 hingga 4 PhD tesis dan beberapa ketul Master tesis. Yelah, untuk set up eksperimen saja dah dapat 1 PhD tesis. Pastu untuk data collection dan segala yang berkaitan saja, dah boleh menghasilkan satu PhD lagi. Nampak tak? Untuk menghasilkan sesuatu benda baru, banyak level dan proses yang terlibat. Ini seterusnya membuahkan penghasilan beberapa PhD tesis lagi. Satu perkara yang aku nak tekankan di sini ialah, penghasilan satu-satu PhD itu bukanlah seperti persepsi sesetengah orang kat Malaysia.

Tak percaya? Korang pergilah interview beberapa pensyarah orthodoks kat Malaysia tu, dijaminlah mereka akan cakap, "Eh! Ini je PhD you? Tak cukup ni. Mana cukup you buat model je. You kena buat hardware jugak. You kena buat bla.. bla.. bla..." Bukan nak kutuk, just nak err... sindir sikit je. Pensyarah-pensyarah orthodoks ni la yang melemahkan semangat orang-orang nak buat PhD. Orthodoks di sini menjurus pada cara berfikir bukan pada umur mereka. Ada je pensyarah-pensyarah muda yg berpemikiran orthodoks sebegini. Sesedap rasa je aku menulis ye, tapi itulah hakikat. Doakanlah semoga aku tak tergolong dalam golongan orthodoks ni bila balik bertugas nanti. Dan... dan... orang-orang berpemikiran orthodoks ni menganggap you have to come up with something totally NEW or totally "NOVEL" (ni perkataan orang-orang PhD) totally on your own! True, there has to be at least something novel about your work, but you are not expected to be Al-Khawarizmi or Einstein!

Berbalik pada PhD aku, data yang aku dapat dari kilang tu aku perlu analisis. Bila sebut analisis ni, orang selalu membayangkan macam buat analisis dalam Excel tu. Yes, for some part of it. However, the kind of analysis that I am working on is to develop a model for the purpose of fingerprinting and something more for that bioprocess. Untuk develop model tu, aku perlu menggabungkan teknik-teknik dari bidang yang berbeza. Aku guna teknik dari signal processing yang dipanggil wavelet transform dan teknik dari statistik yang dipanggil principal components analysis. Dalam wavelet transform dan principal components analysis tu pula ada cabang-cabang yang aku perlu selusuri dan cuba dan kemudian pilih yang mana satu bersesuaian dengan model yang aku nak develop tu.

Waima dah siap model tu sekalipun, PhD aku tak siap lagi. Aku perlu hubungkaitkan kembali model tu dengan apa sebenarnya yang terjadi semasa proses penghasilan data tu. Cari relationship antara model dengan chemical properties dan biological properties of the data pulak. Ini bermakna, aku perlu faham proses di sebalik terhasilnya data tu, macamana data tu dikutip. Jadi korang boleh imagine yang aku ni perlu berimaginasi (imaginasi berasaskan fakta & sains) tentang proses yang berlaku. Memanglah ada gambar dan penerangan dari engineer yang terlibat, tapi aku tak pernah jejak kaki pun kat kilang tu.

Makanya, bila ada suara-suara pitching ke laut yang suka suki mengatakan, "Ala, modelling senang je. Aku ni kena dok dalam siang malam lab kutip data." ataupun "Senanglah kerja awak, tak payah masuk lab, data dah tersedia." aku terasa jugaklah. Tapi aku taklah melatah dengan memaki hamun sang empunya suara. Dah dewasa ni, malas nak bergaduh sebenarnya. Sebab nanti kalau terlepas kata-kata yang menyakitkan hati kena minta maaf. Paling-paling pun, aku jawab dengan berbudi bahasa "Kenapa tak buat modelling?" Hahaha... Dah kata senangkan, apsal tak buat? Betul tak?

Hatta aku buat modelling sekalipun, bukannya aku dapat data tu aku boleh terus buat analisis. Wavelet transform tu aku kena belajar dari scratch. Walaupun degree aku asasnya Electrical Engineering, aku cuma belajar Fourier Transform je. Wavelet Transform tu subjek postgrad tau! Masa amik master, aku bukannya buat master in Electrical Engineering pun. Pastu, statistik tu, kalau setakat nak harapkan statistik zaman degree dulu, hahaha... takat nak tekan-tekan kalkulator tu boleh la. Basic probability and what not. Tak pernahnya aku dengar apakebendanya principal components analysis tu sebelum aku start PhD ni. Dan... dan... walaupun aku guna MATLAb programming yang user friendly itu untuk buat analisis dan create model untuk data aku tu, last aku sentuh MATLAB programming zaman aku buat degree. Masa mengajar sebelum datang buat PhD ni, adalah sekali dua, itupun setakat nak ajar student analisis matrix. Tu je. Jadi, boleh kata aku ni buat PhD memang start dari scratch. Walaupun begitu, aku tetap bersyukur sebab Allah menolong aku dengan memudahkan aku faham. Adalah jugak kadang-kadang tu susah nak faham tapi tu perkara biasa dalam belajarkan?

Natijahnya, setiap PhD tu berbeza. Tak kiralah bidang apa, tajuk apa sekalipun kita buat, kalau kita rasa kita punya susah, orang lain pun mungkin rasa begitu juga. Eh! Even orang yang beli PhD dia pun rasa susah jugak tau! Apa korang ingat senang ke nak sorok-sorok perihal membeli sekeping kertas ijazah tu, tak kisahlah ijazah sarjana muda atau ijazah sarjana atau ijazah doktor falsafah. Cuba pergi tanya pada orang yang pernah beli ijazah, apa kata mereka? Hehehe....

Apapun, kejadian ni menginsafkan aku juga. Teringat zaman aku buat degree dulu, aku eksyen la jugak. Maklumlah budak enginekan. Lagipun, masa aku kat US dulu, dalam kelompok budak Melayu yang tak ramai mana kat Oklahoma State tu, aku sorang je budak perempuan Melayu yang amik engineering. Dalam kelas aku yang ada +-30 orang tu, ada 2 orang je perempuan, aku dan sorang budak local. Mula-mula tu aku takdelah eksyen hatta sebesar hama pun, tak baik tau riak! Tapi bila ada sorang brother ni (dia study business) suka kutuk-kutuk aku, katanya, susah-susah je study engine, balik jadi kuli. Tengok dia yang study business, balik tentu jadi bos. Hek eleh... benci + meluatnya aku. Tak taulah apa cite dia skrg, dah jadi bos besar kot?!

I.SIMPLY.DON'T.CARE. Ditambah pula aku tengok budak-budak yang study business ni relaks je memanjang, dekat nak exam baru study bagai nak rak. Kalau compare dengan student engine, bagai langit dan bumilah. Pastu aku ada amik satu elektif subjek bisnes, marketing kot. Alahai... serius tak yah study boleh score. Kemudian masa amik subjek Probability & Statictics, adalah beberapa org dalam kelas tu budak bisnes, student mat saleh la; boleh dia tak tahu y=mx + c tu apa. Hemmm... sejak tu aku menganggap entengnya study business ni.

Tapi sekarang, aku dah semakin matang (baca = tua), aku faham setiap bidang tu cabarannya berbeza-beza. Setiap bidang ada sumbangannya pada masyarakat. Tak adanya bidang yang senang macam order roti canai & teh tarik. Hatta nak menceburi bidang buat roti canai pun perlukan kesungguhan menebar, tak gitu? Jadi kita tak bolehlah angkuh dan riak terlampau dengan apa yang kita buat. Kalau orang kutuk, kalau rasa perlu, buatlah atau cakaplah sesuatu dengan berhemah supaya mereka faham. Tapi kalau jenis yang nggak mau faham tu, tak yah buang masa layan. Biarkanlah mereka hidup dalam belon-belon riak mereka itu.

K, jumpa lagi. Terima kasih sudi baca :)

Terus bergerak dan bergerak...

Punyalah lama tak jumpa supervisor, ada dalam 2 bulan gitu. Hebat sangatkan?

Kali terakhir jumpa supervisor sebelum masuknya November ialah pada awal September dulu. Masa tu saya baru balik dari Malaysia. Kebetulan pulak demam. Jadi bila jumpa supervisor, dia tanya "How are you doing? I mean you, personally?"

Saya cakap yang saya tak tau pasal apa saya rasa penat sangat. Macam tak daya gitu. Supervisor tahu pasal Tok masuk hospital masa Tok datang melawat saya di sini. Saya sebenarnya nak berkongsi pasal kejadian Tok dimasukkan ke hospital kat Newcastle ni tapi saya tak sempat. Semasa Tok sampai kat airport Newcastle bulan Jun hari tu, tetiba je Tok kena serangan angin ahmar (stroke). Memang kami sekeluarga tergamam dan terkejut. Alhamdulillah rawatan cepat diberi, bermula dari dalam ambulan kat airport sampailah pada beberapa jam terawal Tok tiba di wad ICU khas untuk stroke. Bila badan Tok dah bertindak balas dengan ubat yg diberi untuk mencairkan darah, barulah doktor pindahkan Tok ke wad. Kat wad tu, semua pesakit stroke. Selepas 10 hari Tok di hospital, doktor benarkan Tok keluar. Itupun setelah Tok menjalani pemeriksaan fisioterapi, pertuturan, daya ingatan dan daya fikiran. Namun, doktor tak benarkan Tok naik kapal terbang sekurang-kurangnya dalam tempoh 2 bulan. Jadi terpaksalah Tok tinggal sekejap dengan saya dan suami di Newcastle. Manakala ahli keluarga lain balik ke Malaysia.

Keadaan Tok semasa di jam-jam terawal dalam rawatan dengan sewaktu Tok keluar dari hospital memang sangat-sangat berbeza. Kalau setakat melihatkan pada fizikal Tok, seolah-olah tiada langsung kesan dari serangan angin ahmar tu. Walau bagaimanapun, sebenarnya ada kesan sampingan. Kaki kanan Tok masih agak lebam sewaktu beliau keluar dari hospital. Perlu juga diingat, untuk orang yang pernah diserang angin ahmar ni, ada kesan sampingan terhadap emosi dan daya fikiran.

Masa Tok dah keluar dari hospital tu, saya e-mail supervisor dan terangkan keadaan saya. Alhamdulillah syukur pada Allah, supervisor bagi saya kelapangan untuk 'take time off as you need'. Tapi saya pergi jugak ke universiti. Kemudian saya balik ke Malaysia sekejap dengan tujuan untuk menghantar Tok balik, memang tak lama pun; 10 hari je, memang penat sangat!!! Sebab tu muka penat sangat terserlah bila jumpa supervisor pada awal September tu. Lantas supervisor bagi lagi cuti, katanya "You need to rest and recharge your energy. If you continue working when you're tired, you'll become more frustrated. I'll e-mail you to request for a meeting." Memang sangat tepat. Selepas balik dari Malaysia tu, saya seperti tak boleh fokus pada kerja. Segalanya jadi kelabu asap gitu. Dan saya memang sangat-sangat tertekan masa tu sebab seolah-olah tak boleh nak buat kerja langsung!!! Risau, panik, sedih. macam-macamlah. Masa tu tinggal lagi 1.5 minggu sebelum Syawal. Saya pun cakap dengan supervisor, boleh tak saya cuti sampai raya :) hehe.. "Sure", katanya. Nak kata raya sakan tu taklah juga, cuma saya guna waktu cuti tu untuk buat biskut dan kek raya, juga menjahit i.e. 'All the things that I consider therapeutics to myself.'

Syukur Alhamdulillah, rehat yang cukup benar-benar membantu saya. Lepas raya, baru saya betul-betul tumpukan perhatian pada kerja.  Dan yang paling saya gembira bila saya dapat 'figure out' satu procedure yang saya dah puas fikirkan dari hujung tahun lepas. Rupa-rupanya benda tu selama ni dah ada depan mata, cuma saya tak perasan. Itulahkan , rezeki idea tu kalau Allah nak bagi, bila-bila masa je. Kalau Allah tak nak bagi, hatta depan mata pun masih tak nampak. Alhamdulillah, bulan Oktober bulan yang produktif buat saya. Banyak juga kerja yang dapat saya siapkan. Dapatkan siapkan beberapa set simulation dan sedikit writing.. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.

Bulan November setakat ni Alhamdulillah, dah 2 kali jumpa supervisor dan Rabu ni nak jumpa lagi. Pastinya esok (Selasa) akan sibuk dengan simulation and describing the framework of the simulation. Saya berdoa sangat supaya apa yang saya buat ni membuahkan hasil yang diharap-harapkan. Penat tau buat simulation berset-set tu.

Perjalanan Ini

Perjalanan PhD ini masih jauh kurasakan
Walau waktu semakin menghambat setiap langkahku
Adakalanya aku rasa lelah
Adakalanya aku bersemangat jitu
Adakalanya aku bosan
Adakalanya aku rasa teruja
Adakalanya aku rasa gembira
Adakalanya aku rasa sedih
Lantas aku menangis
Adakalanya aku hilang rasa

Titik hujung itu
Kadangkala kurasakan semakin hampir
Kadangkala kurasakan hilang dalam terang
Kadangkala secerah sinar mentari
Kadangkala berkabus

Ya Allah
Redhailah perjalananku ini
Jadikanlah ia sebahagian dari ibadahku
Redhailah secebis ilmu-Mu untukku
Jadikanlah aku manusia yang memanfaatkan ilmu-Mu untuk umat Muhammad.
Aaamin.

*hasil luahan sendiri. Tidak dibenarkan meng"kopi-pes". Haha... budget macam A.Samad Said pulakkan diri ini.

Kek Bantat Tak Cukup Baking Powder...

Tulisan aku kali ini memang emo. Kalau tak suka baca nukilan orang tengah emo, jangan teruskan ya.
Aku bengang yang teramat dengan orang-orang tertentu yang menguruskan elaun aku ni. Sakitnya hati bukan kepalang.

Aku kat UK ni dapat 2 jenis elaun. Satu elaun dari KPT, yang itu untuk sara hidup aku. Pastu satu elaun lagi dari majikan, yang ini dinamakan elaun pasangan. Yang aku bengang ni elaun pasangan ni masih belum dapat walaupun hari ni dah 13 July. Sepatutnya elaun pasangan tu aku dan kengkawan yang dok belajar kat oversea ni dapat setiap 6 bulan. Masa hujung tahun 2009 hari tu, sepatutnya sebelum Januari 2010 kitorg dah dapat elaun untuk tempoh Januari hingga Jun 2010. Pastu kecoh-kecoh, akhirnya hujung Januari tu baru kitorg dapat elaun. Bayangkanlah kalau ada anak semua, nak bagi anak makan apa? Bagi makan salji kutip kat park kot?

Sekarang ni, untuk tempoh Jun hingga Disember 2010, sepatutnya hujung Jun ataupun awal July dah dapat. Tapi ini dah pertengahan July, masih belum muncul. Bila e-mail minta diuruskan perkara kelewatan ni, amik masa seminggu pulak nak selesaikan. Diorg ni tak ada jadual ke buat kerja? Ya Allah, bengangnya tak dapat aku  gambarkan. Kalau ikut hati memang la aku nak telefon & laserkan ala Kak Ogy Ahmad Daud melaser Kak Erma  Fatima zaman diorg glamor dulu. Tapi kena sabar, sabar dan sabar. Adalah nanti balasan untuk orang-orang jahat yang tak menjalankan amanah dengan betul tu.

Sekarang ni, duit sewa rumah belum bayar, bil letrik belum bayar, bil gas pun belum bayar. Bil air, lesen TV dan bil hp je yang dah dibayar. Itupun sebab bil-bil yang dah dibayar tu aku bayar secara direct debit. Cukup masa, tolak je dari akaun. Nasib baik bil letrik dan gas tu tidak dibayar secara direct debit. Kalau tak, sekarang dah negatif dah akaun bank aku. Nasib baik jugaklah suamiku kerja. Jadi 'floor engineer' kat sini. Cukuplah gajinya untuk belanja makan kami di waktu-waktu terdesak ni. Kalau nak buat bayar sewa rumah suma, memang tak cukup.

Orang-orang yang diamanahkan untuk menguruskan elaun kami ni fikir kitorg dok sini senang lenang ke? Memanglah kami pergi travel watsoever tu. Tapi itu semua hasil berjimat cermat seadanya dan duit gaji suami yang tak seberapa itu..Diorg tau tak, memikirkan hal duit belanja semua ni hanya menambah "unnecessary pressure" pada kami research student ni? Inilah yang aku kata "Sukarnya berurusan dengan mereka yang menguruskan hak orang seperti kek bantat yang tak cukup baking powder. Masa nak mengambil atau menyekat hak orang, lajunya seperti jet pejuang I.s.r.a.e'.l"


Semoga Allah memberi hidayah pada orang-orang yang slow menguruskan amanah tu.

p/s: untuk posting ni, kalau ada komen-komen yang membalas dengan penuh kekejaman di atas ke'emo'an aku, ada kemungkinan aku akan delete saja. Korang nak emo kat aku, korang tulis kat blog korang dan link ke sini. Hah! This is war gitu. Kalau aku sudah tidak emo lagi ketika membaca kekejaman komen korang, aku tidak akan delete.

One Checked, More To Come

I've just submitted a paper for a 2011 conference last Tuesday. It took me almost a month to write six pages of conference paper. To be honest, I struggled a bit when I was preparing it. By end of June, this is the checklist of my writing looks like:

Introduction - check
Method - checked
Experimental set up - checked
Results from simulation -  checked
Discussion - ??? urrgghhhh
Conclusion - checked, OF COURSE you can't really have a conclusion when you have not yet completed your discussion. 

I keep pondering about what may I contribute to the research field. I have a handful of simulation results, and I've tried many possible routes of analysing the data. I surely must have something in there somewhere which I can put a stamp on and say "Hey, THIS IS MY IDEA". There is one area though which I think no one (to my knowledge) has even bothered to look at. But then, my insecurity started to creep in and I found myself thinking, "If this is sooooo great, why haven't anyone take a dip into it?"

So I hold back and squeezed my brain again trying to find other contribution. At the end, I gave up and just wrote down my initial idea. I e-mailed the paper to my supervisors and keep praying they'll accept it without much correction. Alhamdulillah, both of my supervisors appreciate my effort and like the idea I thrown into the paper. So now, I'm nervously waiting for comments from the conference reviewer. I have to be ready for any kind of comments and just try to be positive. Urgh... I know it isn't easy to keep your cool when your hard work is being criticized. I am reminding myself, 'If the reviewer takes time to read through my paper and give lots and lots of comments, my paper must have some worth in it'.

Note: Just be confidence. You'll never know. Ever wonder what happen if people like Ibnu Sina (more info here) and Al-Khwarizmi (more here) keeps to themselves their discoveries?  

Then on Friday morning last week, I met up with my supervisor for some progress meeting. After some discussion, she said "We think you are so ready to write a journal paper..."
What else can I say? Of course I want to write a journal paper. This was a task we discussed since err... January this year. Its get to be placed on the shelf for a while because I was hold up for THREE MONTHS studying and investigating one itty bitty part of my research. Yes, I spent three months and may be more ( I ignore the calendar when the going gets rough) on just one small part. But I guess its alright because that one small part will probably be my contribution to the research area. See, every cloud has a silver lining :)
Apart from that, I need to concentrate on the conference paper.

Now, other than continue with my simulation, reading and reviewing lots and lots of related journals and books, I really don't have any other excuse to not have a go at writing a journal paper. Oh! How I wish I have magic fingers...

Hilang Sudah

Bulan lepas masa buat simulation untuk 'smoothing' dan 'first derivativekan' signal, ada je function savgol dalam MATLAB. Semalam bila run simulation, asik dapat error je. Bila godek-godek MATLAB, dah takde, hilang sudah function savgol tu. Yang ada sekarang ni sgolay dan sgolayfilt. Cuba guna yang baru ni, result simulation macam salah je. Aduhaiii... apsal MATLAB berlaku kejam pada diriku. Urrghhh.. sedih..sedih..sedih.

*savgol - singkatan untuk Savitzky-Golay. Kalau nak tau lebih lanjut, klik sini.

Tutorial: How To Organize Your References (Journals)

Saya sebenarnya dah lama nak tulis pasal cara nak susun atur jurnal-jurnal yang kita gunakan dalam research, tapi terbantut niat tu sebab saya terfikir macam tak perlu. (Lagipun masa tu terfikir, nanti takut ada suara-suara sumbang mengatakan saya nak tunjuk pandai buatnya saya tak mampu menghabiskan PhD dalam tempoh 3 tahun). Dua minggu lepas, ada seorang kawan yang sama-sama sedang buat PhD datang melawat saya kat opis dan bertanya hal tersebut. Maka, saya rasa perlu untuk berkongsi sedikit organization skills yang saya ada ni.

Masa saya buat master dulu, mula-mula tu tak reti pun nak organize jurnal-jurnal ni. Saya Search-Find-Save-Print/Don’t Print. Lepas tu ada seorang kawan yang saya panggil Kak Ju, dia bagi tips supaya saya asingkan jurnal-jurnal mengikut topic dan kemudian nomborkan. Saya buat tapi bila ada lebih dari satu topic, numbering method yang saya gunakan dah bercampur aduk. Yelah Topik A, ada jurnal bernombor 1, di bawah Topik B pun ada jurnal yang bernombor 1. Melalu Trial& Error method, saya fikir saya dah jumpa satu cara yang berkesan untuk saya simpan jurnal-jurnal yang saya gunakan sebagai references. Cara-caranya saya jelaskan pada setiap gambar. Cuma satu peringatan ye, TIADA JAMINAN anda berjaya menghabiskan research anda dalam tempoh yang dikehendaki oleh penaja anda OK ;P


Tentukan TOPIK-TOPIK UTAMA. Buat 1 folder(dalam computer atau laptop) dan sediakn 1 file untuk setiap topik. As your research develops, your main topics may expand. Semasa PhD saya bermula awal tahun lepas, saya ada 3 topik utama seperti dalam gambar gambar di atas.


Sekarang bila dah faham sikit tentang objektif kajian, topik pun bertambah. Tak dapat dielakkan isi kandungan jurnal ni akan bertindih antara topik-topik utama. Cara saya, saya tengok sekali imbas kecenderungan isi kandungan jurnal dan tempatkan dalam folder yang berkenaan. Masalah redundancy insya-Allah takkan terjadi sebab saya gunakan EndNote software untuk katalogkan semua references saya.


Gunakan document separator untuk asingkan jurnal-jurnal jika kita menggunakan satu fail untuk lebih dari 1 topik utama.


Pilih kod yang sesuai untuk jurnal kita. Kodkan setiap jurnal.


*klik untuk besarkan gambar

Tanya kawan saya,”Aku kadangnya ada [jurnal] yang diprint dan ada yang nggak, gimana tu?” Oh! Ini solutionnya mudah saja. Bila saya kodkan jurnal saya, saya akan letak p untuk mewakili telah diprint, dan x mewakili belum diprint. Rujuk gmbar di atas.

Contoh: JN14 x_Title untuk mewakili Jurnal Near Infra-Red Spectra bernombor 14 yang tidak diprint.

**Satu peringatan kat sini, katalah beberapa bulan selepas kita save jurnal tu, baru timbul keperluan untuk print. Selepas print 2 perkara perlu dibuat:
1-Pergi kepada folder tempat jurnal diletakkan, tukar kod x kepada p.
2-Pergi kepada EndNote, gantikan jurnal yang telah ditukar kod dalam File Attachment.

Tukar kod x...

... kepada p (both in folders and EndNote File Attachment)


Satu lagi kelebihan menggunakan kod untuk jurnal ialah bila kita nak tulis sikit nota ata isi penting dari jurnal dalam research log book kita, kita tak perlulah tulis keseluruhan tajuk jurnal yang kadang-kadang tu panjang sedepan. Kita tulis je kod jurnal tu, rujuk gambar di atas.

Rasanya, itu saja yang dapat saya kongsi setakat ni. Semoga member manfaat.

My 2nd year PostGrad Conference

Every year, the School of Chemical Engineering and Advanced Materials of the Newcastle University hold a Postgraduate Research Conference (PGRC) for its 2nd and 3rd year PG students. The PGRC is a two days event where all 2nd and 3rd PG students present their work to their peers and to the Postgraduate Panel Committee members. Each PG students are given about 20 minutes to do his or her presentation. A brief question and answer session should also be included in that 20 minutes time.

I know that I am already in my 2nd year , but it has just been about 2 months since I passed my 1st year evaluation. So somehow I think I probably does not have to do it, hehehe... So I e-mailed the chairperson of the PG Panel Committee and asked him. Hemm... His reply is:

Dear Nor,

That depends on when you first registered. If you registered
well over a year ago before your panel interview, then you need to give a
presentation.

So, last two Fridays, the research group I am attached to replaces our weekly seminar with a mock presentation for the members who have to present during the PGRC. I was err.. only 70% prepared for the mock presentation. In my terms, I only considered myself 100% prepared when I have perfected my pitch and I can sail through my presentation without glitches. The mock presentation was good actually because I can improve my presentation based on the constructive comments from my supervisors as well as my research group members.

Anyway, the actual presentation took place last Thursday. From the schedule which I received the week before, it looks like I was going to be the last presenter. Ughh... Being the last presenter has its own pitfalls as well as its advantage. People might not be interested in what you are presenting because they can't wait to get the he** out of the conference room. The advantage of course, you will not get that many questions compare to other presenter.

I was doing alright for my presentation although I have hoped for a slower rate of words coming out of my mouth. I was quite nervous actually considering I wasn't really sure how to interpret my results from the principal components analysis. You see, my research combines two methods, wavelet transform and principal components analysis. So far, I am quite confident in explaining about the wavelet transform methodology. But when it comes to the principal components analysis, I am very unsure of my result. One because, the result is still fresh from the oven and two because I have not yet fully understand principal components analysis theory itself.



The chairperson during my presentation is the same lecturer who 'interviewed' me during my 1st year viva. After the conference ended, I bumped into him and we started chatting. He asked me whether I as nervous because I skipped my last slide. Haha... Very true! Well, actually that slide is not necessary because I have explained it in my previous two slides. He then said my presentation is quite good. Alhamdulillah :)

Preparing for the presentation is actually a good practice for me.
- I gained more confidence talking about my research
- I discovered few angles of which I should probably analysis my data
- I found more and more uhuk... journals to read, reviewed and of course critically think of their contents.

E-book Reader-Wowee! :))

The e-book reader with its power cable & usb cable.

The library put together guideline on how to use it. They have to! Us (renter) are liable to pay for any damage if there's any when we return it.

Much closer look.

I just got back from the university library to borrow an e-book reader. Haven't tried it yet. Will do so soon because I have to return it by Thursday next week (April 8). I'm loving our university library for all sort of services it provides. I sound like a nerd, don't I? I am never going to be able to be a nerd because in my dictionary I associate nerdiness with being a computer whizz. And I am sometimes go green with envy at those computer whizz. I guess I just settle to be a bookworm then :)

My 1st year PhD evaluation

Those scribbles are the questions the panels asked during the viva.

Here in Newcastle University, some call it first year viva and some call it Panel Progression Interview. This is the definition of viva from Dictionary.com.

vi·va
–noun
(in British and European universities) an oral examination; viva voce.
Origin: 1890–95; shortened form

After a year of studying and working on our research, all of us PhD students have to go through an interview session which is set up to mimic the real viva. I submitted my report on the week before the Christmas and New Year break. I was expecting for my viva to take place somewhere in January but somehow it got pushed to late February. So other tasks plus stuff to do kind of take up my priority. Of course I do not forget about the viva, it just got pushed to the back of my mind.

Then mid of second week of February, I received an e-mail informing me about the viva and its details. The possible outcomes of the viva are:
1-Candidate is passed for progression with no further work
2-Candidate is passed subject to completion of a further task
3-Candidate is asked to rewrite and resubmit the report for a further viva
4-Candidate is recommended to write up report for MPhil qualification rather than PhD
5-Candidate is not allowed to progress

Alright, NOT ALLOWED TO PROGRESS? That's really set my worry alarm on. To date, there have never been anyone from my school to fail. So I don't want to make history. Two days prior to my viva, I went to see my supervisor to discuss my current work and also to discuss about the viva. I let her know that I'm actually quite nervous and her advice is, "Nor, this is where you build your confidence. You know your work."

So armed with the confidence that I. KNOW.MY.WORK., I face that day with all the bravery I can mustered. I tried not to be nervous but my heart was pumping faster than usual. The viva started with self introduction by both of the panels. Then I introduced myself and talked about my research for about five minutes. Yes, you read right, 'talk'. No need for Power Point presentation whatsoever.

The worst was during the viva; I was so nervous (this is what one of the panels told me a day after the viva) to the point where I cannot recall a lot of information in order to answer the panels questions. Both of the panels are lecturers within the school and they are nice. I mean nice as in they do not look fierce or arrogant and they tried to make me feel comfortable. As they said at the start of the viva, "We will try to make this as FRIENDLY as possible." Some of their questions were answered with "I'm sorry, I cannot recall." The whole time I was wishing they asked me something I can explain. Obviously they just want to make me aware that I have to remember EVERYTHING that I wrote as they stressed this at the end of the viva. Hemm... a lesson well learnt there.

That are sort the sort of questions (which I have not prepared for because IMHO I thought they are trivial) but that are what the panels were asking.

Also, another lesson well learnt is EVERYTHING I put down in the report/thesis is subjected to questions. Meaning, not just my core work/research will be questioned. Honestly, I wasn't 100%prepared for the kind of questions they asked. I was expecting them to ask about my work but as we go page by page of my report, they asked me about equations and sentences of which I thought are just basics and not as important as my core work.

Oh! I need to mention this. My style of answering some of the questions which I was not sure about is by saying "To my knowledge..." You know, to be on the safe side. The panels adviced me not to use that phrase because that report is my work so I have to speak with authority. So that is lesson number 3. Actually it is hard to speak with authority when you are not sure because your answer may lead to another question which probably will put you in a greater danger of 'I-don't-know-the answer'.

This is one of my returned report. See all those flipped pages? OK, there's where the questions come from. I think just few pages were left unflipped.

The duration of my viva took more than 2 hours. I cannot be grateful enough when one of the panels said that we have to cut it short because he had a meeting to attend to. Truthfully, the viva should last no longer than 1 hour and 30 minutes. At the end of the viva session, the panels asked me if I have anything to say. I just said that I wish I have prepared better and I also wish they had asked me about my core work which I believe I can explain better. One of them asked me if I would like another chance so I said "Yes, if that is possible." They said "We'll see about it." So after 5 dreadful minutes of waiting (5 minutes after the viva session ended), the panels delivered the verdict of my viva. Alhamdulillah I passed but undoubtedly in preparing for my final viva later on, there are areas and things I need to improve and do.

As I walked home that evening, I start wondering and and questioning myself, "What am I doing here? Do I really know what I'm doing?" and all sort of self-doubting questions. By the time I got home I was so depressed, then I cried. Surely I am relief that I passed but I was just so tense and depressed that I need to get it out. Thanks to my husband for lending me his chest and sorry for the tear-streaked shirt.

Anyway, throughout the whole viva process, despite my nervousness and 'forgetfulness', I really think it is a good learning experience. What I like about it is the panels did not ask me questions to degrade or belittle my work. Rather they give constructive critics which will definitely help me in my final/real viva later down the road.

So now, I am already in Year 2 ( macam Darjah 2 gitu). I feel like time is running out and there are massive works to do and stacks of books and journals to read. Ya Allah, please give me the strength to follow through. Aaamin.

Pelajar PhD di UK dapat Elaun RM14k sebulan?

credit

Dua tiga minggu lepas agak kecoh jugak kat FB kawan2 seperjuangan buat PhD saya tentang artikel PhD bukan syarat naikkan pangkat tulisan Pemerhati Kanan katanya. Sekanan mana dia memerhatikan kami pelajar-pelajar yang sedang membuat PhD ini, saya pun tak tahu. Baiklah dia perhatikan gaji minimum rakyat marhaen Malaysia yang nak bayar sewa rumah dan tampung perbelanjaan anak-anak pun seperti kais pagi makan pagi itukan. Siapa entah tuan punya blog tu, sah-sah glamor macam Perez Hilton kaedahnya selepas tajuk yang begitu kontroversi itu. Walaupun posting tu dibuat pada penghujung tahun 2007 namun sehingga sekarang masih ada yang meninggalkan komen.

Saya malas nak komen pasal isu kenaikan gaji tu sebab dah ramai sangat yang komen. Isu yang saya nak sangat komen dan juga beri penjelasan pada sesiapa yang singgah dan membaca blog saya ialah tentang elaun pelajar PhD di UK ini. Di bawah ni saya copy&paste dari blog tu.

... Mungkin disebabkan ketiadaan persaingan, maka ramai daripada mereka gagal menghabiskan PhD dalam jangka masa yang diperuntukkan, yakni tiga tahun dan memerlukan pertambahan masa sehingga satu atau dua tahun. Dengan pertambahan elaun sara hidup sebanyak dua kali ganda mulai tahun ini [2007], seseorang yang berada di United Kingdom, misalnya, menerima RM14,000 sebulan di samping gaji lumayannya sebagai pensyarah. ...

Ewah-ewah, sesedap jari je dia menaip surat dan mengemel (atau mengepos) kepada Berita Harian pasal elaun yang kami terima. Siapakah gerangan yang dapat elaun sampai RM14k sebulan tu? Tak pasal-pasal je rakyat Malaysia yang membaca surat Pemerhati Kanan ni mendapat maklumat yang salah tentang kami di sini. Elaun kami di sini setakat 748 pound je (Elaun Kadar C). Kalau berpasangan atau ada anak-anak, adalah lebih sikit. Macam saya contohnya, dapat tambahan elaun pasangan dari majikan, dalam lingkungan jumlah 200 pound. Kalau dicampur kedua-dua elaun ini dan ditukar kepada matawang sekalipun, jumlahnya hanyalah dalam lingkungan RM5200 (1 pound = RM5.50). Musykil betul saya di UK ni bila membaca surat Pemerhati Kanan tu.

[Selingan: Mewah sangat ke gaji pensyarah yang cuti belajar ni? Mesti banyak menonton drama-drama dan filem-filem arahan pengarah Malaysia yang tak memberi gambaran sebenar tentang hidup. Kerja biasa-biasa & hidup di KL mampu hidup di rumah banglo. Itulah yang sering dipaparkan dalam drama Melayu kan? Itu sampai boleh fikir yang gaji kami ni berkepuk-kepuk. Huhu...]

Andai kata ada yang beranggapan bahawa dengan +-900 pound tu boleh hidup mewah, harap lenyapkanlah tanggapan itu. Di tempat saya Newcastle yang bukan bandar besar seperti London ini pun, sewa rumah dah mencapai antara 400-550 pound. Ada juga yang bernasib baik dapat menyewa rumah dengan kadar 350 pound. Itu memang benar-benar bernasib baik. Kalau yang berkeluarga dan punya anak 3 hingga 4 orang, takkanlah nak duduk rumah 2 bilik seperti yang saya duduk bersama suami sekarang. Rumah yang kami sewa ini ada 2 bilik dan letaknya di kawasan perumahan kelas ketiga ini pun sewanya dah mencecah 400 pound. Saya nak tekankan kelas ketiga tu. Tak adanya kami kat sini duduk di villa pun. Majoriti pelajar-pelajar dari Malaysia memang duduk di kawasan perumahan yang cikai saja.

Tolak sewa rumah, tinggal lagi 500 pound. Bil elektrik dan gas(untuk heater dan memasak) saja boleh mencecah 100 pound sebulan. Kadang-kadang lebih jugak, terutamanya pada bulan-bulan di musim sejuk, sebabnya asyik on heater je. Bila tiba musim panas, dapatlah berjimat dalam 30 pound gitu. Kemudian bil-bil lain seperti bil air, telefon, internet dan lesen TV pula adalah dalam lebih kurang 120 pound.

Kiralah berapa yang tinggal? [900 - 400 -100 -120 = 280]. Hah! Tinggallah 280 pound. Dengan 280 pound tulah nak beli ubat gigi, sabun mandi, sabun basuh baju, cecair pencuci pinggan mangkuk, ayam, ikan, beras, sayur dan segala mak nenek lagi. Nasib baik kat sini ada pasaraya seperti ASDA, yang mana kebanyakkan generic items under ASDA brand ni boleh dikira murah.

Oh! Lupa nak sebut petrol dan maintenance kereta pun termasuk dalam 280 pound tu. Kalau ada yang kata, tak ada kereta tak boleh ke? Bukan tak boleh, tapi kalau nak pergi kerja takkan asyik nak tumpang orang sajakan. Lama-lama kena pelempang pulak nanti.

Alhamdulillah, saya menetap di Newcastle yang boleh dikira agak rendah harga makanannya. Kalau tinggal di Southampton yang dapat Elaun Kadar C jugak tu, tapi cost of living dah nak menghampiri cost of living di London tu, macam mana? Saya sebut Southampton sebab ada kawan di Southampton, kawan-kawan di tempat lain saya tak CSI elaun mereka. Itupun tahun ni, cukai dah naik kepada 17% kalau tak silap saya. Makin mahallah harga segala bil dan barang-barang keperluan. Geram jugak sebenarnya dengan orang yang menulis surat tu. Timbul rasa di hati ni nak titik-titik aja jarinya macam orang bermain Gamelan tu.

Untuk menokok tambah pendapatan, kebanyakkan pasangan bekerja part time. Di tengah-tengah kegawatan ekonomi UK ni, amatlah payah nak dapat kerja part time apatah lagi full time. Kalau ada yang bekerja full time pun, rasanya boleh dikira dengan jari. Kalau di Newcastle ni kebanyakkannya jadi Floor Engineer a.k.a Cleaner. Suami saya sendiri puas mencari kerja sehinggalah Ramadhan tahun lepas baru dapat kerja. Alhamdulillah ada kawan suami bagitau ada kerja kosong di tempat kerjanya. Setiap hari jam antar jam 5-5.30 pagi saya dah bangun nak buatkan kopi untuk minuman suami sebelum pergi kerja jam 6.15 pagi. Bayangkanlah sewaktu musim sejuk, dengan udara sejuk bersuhu -5 C gitu, kebanyakkan para suami (ada juga para isteri) yang meredah suasana sejuk demi menambah pendapatan keluarga. Ada juga pelajar-pelajar PhD yang bekerja sebagai tutor dan lab demonstrator.

Saya tak malu mengaku, jaket-jaket yang saya pakai di sini, saya beli di kedai charity saja. Kalau harga sehelai jaket baru, paling cikai pun dah mencecah harga +-35 pound. Itu kat kedai yang paling cokia, NEXT namanya. Bandingkan dengan harga jaket yang saya beli di charity shop, boleh dapat antar 7-12 pound. Takpun tunggulah Summer Sale dan Christmas Sale, ada 50% offer atau offer seperti Buy 1 Get 1 for 1 pound offer gitu. Bukan jaket saja, banyaklah barang-barang dalam rumah kami ni dibeli di charity shop, carboot sales dan tentunya ebay. Kalau tengok rumah-rumah pelajar di UK ni ada TV besar gedang atau ada set meja makan ala Itali gitu, janganlah cepat sangat buat andaian bahawa kami ini hidup mewah. Tak lain tak bukan, beli di ebay kebanyakkannya tu. Ada yangbernasib baik, boleh dapat TV, sofa atau apa-apa aje secara percuma melalui freecycle website.

Kalaulah benar kami ni dapat RM14k sebulan, lebih kurang dalam 2500 pound (1 pound=RM5.5), tentunya saya dah tak pandang charity shop, carboot sales ataupun ebay tu. Mesti setiap 2-3 bulan, saya mampu beli hobo bag jenama Prada yang sebegini

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ataupun beg nan cun jenama Gucci ni kan.

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Ada satu komen kat artikel yang saya linkkan di atas tadi. Komennya benar-benar menunjukkan dia ni tak tahu apa-apa tapi nak buat penilaian. Ini komennya:

Saya mempunyai ramai rakan yang sedang menyambungkan pelajaran di luar negara; dari degree ke master degree dan PHD. Saya lihat mereka mampu berjalan-jalan hingga ke sekitar Eropah bersama keluarga. Mereka mampu membeli kereta di sana. Mereka mampu membeli telefon bimbit yg mahal harganya. Mereka juga mampu membeli lain-lain barangan mewah di sana. Kebanyakan mereka sudah pun
berkeluarga.Soalan saya, sekiranya benarlah elaun & biasiswa yg kerajaan (dan rakyat) berikan kepada anda tidak mencukupi, bagaimanakah rakan-rakan saya ini mampu utk menikmati barangan mewah atau pon barangan bukan keperluan?
-FJ January 30, 2010 12:19 AM

Adoiila... Duit yang kami guna untuk berjalan-jalan tu hasil dari jimat cermat kami la Dol! Duit dari hasil pasangan bekerja jadi Floor Engineer tu. Lagipun, kami bila berjalan tu, kebanyakkannya sama ada bermalam di rumah kawan atau di Travelodge. Takdenya kami tidur kat hotel berbintang-bintang tu. Makanan pula kami siap bawa beras, sardin, maggi tau. Periuk nasi pun kami bawa juga. Memanglah banyak restoran Pakistan di sekitar UK ni, tapi demi untuk berjimat, kami bawa bekalan sendiri. Adalah sesekali singgah beli kopi gitu di R&R. Itupun dikira mewah ke oleh si Samdol ni? Huh!

Pasal pakai telefon bimbit mahal tu, telefon bimbit jenis apa yang mahal sangat tu? Blackberry? iPhone? Sony Ericcson? Kat sini kebanyakkan perkhidmatan rangkaian telefon perlu diambil beserta telefon. Maksudnya, kalau nak beli telefon dan nak jimat, kita perlu ambil beserta line telefon. Kita bayar setiap bulan untuk telefon yang kita beli tu dan dapatlah 600 minit free minute utk calling-calling, unlimited messages, free internet access, etc. Ada jugak prepaid seperti di Malaysia. Tapi perkhidmatan prepaid kat sini memang hampeh sangat. Tak pasal-pasal je, tak boleh nak buat call dan tak boleh nak terima call walaupun ada lagi baki duit.

Si Dol yang menulis komen ni memang tersangat Dolnya. Kat UK ni harga kereta bukanlah beribu riban macam kat Malaysia nun. Dengan 600 pound, Insya-Allah dah boleh dapat kereta terpakai yang OK. Ada orang yang beli kereta dengan harga rendah dari itu, dalam 300-400 pound. Adalah sedikit sebanyak yang perlu dibaiki, tapi tak adalah harganya beribu macam harga kancil 2nd hand kat Malaysia tukan. Kereta kami pun kami beli di Ebay saja.

Barang-barang mewah apa lagi agaknya si Dol ni maksudkan? Kalau nak tau, di UK ni banyak carboot sales. Setiap hari Ahad (ada jugak hari Khamis atau hari Sabtu) ada banyak tempat yang buat carboot sales ni. Pergilah mana-mana carboot sales di UK ni, mesti jumpa muka Melayu punya. Sebabnya kat sinilah nak dapat barang-barang yang murah. Ikut nasib, kalau nasib baik, bertemu penjual yang baik hati, boleh dapat barang branded dengan harga yang murah. Seperti dinner set Royal Daulton ke, atau jaket kulit ke, atau barang mainan Fisher's Price yang kadang-kadang tu boleh dapat dalam 2-5 pound je (saya tak pasti sangat sebab tak pernah beli). Buku-buku cerita kanak-kanak yang harganya berpuluh ringgit di MPH Malaysia tu, kalau di carboot sini, kadang-kadang boleh dapat 20-50 pence saja. Itukah yang dikatakan mewah? Si Dol ni pun patut diketuk-ketuk sikit jarinya.

Kalau korang baca sampai habis, terima kasihlah. Saya cuma nak tunjukkan realiti sebenar kehidupan kami di sini.

The 7 Secrets

I received this article about 7 secrets of the most successful PhD students sometime ago. Apologies for not sharing it immediately here albeit I've e-mailed it to most of my friends. Click on the link above to download the full article.

At my wits end

This is how I feel since yesterday. Keep staring at my screen and hoping I get an idea.

For two hours yesterday I sat down with Dr. R while he explained to me about the background of the data which I used for my research. He is the one responsible for generating all the spectral data. You might think that I should have known the inside out of my research by now. Well, I. AM. NOT. While I sat there listening and asking few questions, I felt like my brain has gone to information overload state. I felt like it soaked and soaked the explaination he offered. But now, I can't even decipher what I learned yesterday. I know my understanding of what I learned yesterday stucks somewhere in my brain. I just need to let it break free. It really irritates me to feel like this. So you see, my romance with my PhD is not all hearts and roses.

I need to incorprate some of the information that I got from Dr. R into the introduction part of my report. I haven't got my full report back from my supervisor except for the introduction part. My Oh! My, they want me to elaborate more on the objectives, contribution and novelty of my research. My report is due this Friday. YES! This Friday. And I'm just at my wits end to even add a word into that introduction section. Now I feel like crying and going to bed and not wake up until my introduction section magically writes itself.

Rabbi yassir wala tu a'ssir,
Rabbi atnim bil khoir

You are A Worrier

-Pokok yg sangat cantik dekat Postgrad School Office. Bangunan Coklat tu tingkat bawahnya ialah Masjid Newcastle University-

I went to see both of my supervisors last Friday to submit the draft of my 1st year report. Thing is my report is very 'COMOT'. 'Comot' because I haven't list down my references, I haven't write up my abstract, some of the figures are incomplete i.e. no legend, and mostly because I have not finished writing on one topic-Principal Component Analysis (PCA). And yes, my grammar is everywhere. Huh!

I actually sent an e-mail to my supervisors the day before asking if I can postpone the submission date. She asked me to submit whatever I have at the moment. Hence the submission of the 'comot'report.

When my supervisors skimmed through my report, I was actually quite nervous and dreaded to hear their comments. Not that they are mean or anything. They are always nice, friendly and supportive to me. The first comments from both of them were:

SP1: You're a worrier.
Sp2: I don't agree. She's a TOTAL worrier.
~I am relieve to hear that actually :)

SP2: Nor, what are you trying to do? Finish your PhD in record time?
~WOW! That's a compliment. I was beaming inside but still worried that I have a lot of reading and understanding and simulation to do.

Me: I just have a scholarship for 3 years plus 6 months extension.
~I can apply for another 6 months extension after the 1st extension but the 2nd extension is without cost of living scholarship. I've walked that route before (during my master) and I am not going to take it again.

SP1: Well, what are you gonna do during your final year?
~I just smile and keep quiet. I'd like to say 'I'll go travel around Europe but that sounds dope isn't it? As if I have the mean to do that.

SP2: How long do you need the extension?
Me: I don't have much except the PCA and its case study to write up.
SP2: Alright, I'll e-mail the postgrad office and ask for 2 weeks extension.
~Actually, I wish for a month extension. But I don't want to propose something hideous like that won't I? Takpelah, 2 minggu pun cukup je sebenarnya. Bak kata Ani, "Kalau dapat sebulan tu, 2 minggu menjahit, 2 minggu lagi buat keje. Oh, yes! I've a new hobby, embroidering. Will share on that in my later post.

-The same tree as above-

I'm sharing this not because I'm proud of myself. Seriously, I don't feel proud at all. There are number of reasons why I stop myself from feeling 'on cloud nine'.
1- ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING can happen along this journey. I pray to Allah for a smooth sailing.
2- If in the future I might have to apply for an extension due to whatever reasons, and some people might say something like, "Itulah dulu riak sangat". Even though I don't feel 'riak' at all.
3- I bear the responsibility of coming here with a background as a lecturer in a Malaysia's university. My supervisors are well informed about my background so if I don't give the best of impressions to them, what's left?

I'm just happy -well, extremely happy if I must say- that both of my supervisors appreciate my efforts and they like my work. Above all, I learn a very insightful lesson.

1- I want to be a better, nicer and supportive lecturer to my students (postgrad students' supervisor as well) when I go back home, just like both of my supervisors.
2- Praises can motivate people. When my supervisors praised my effort, I was delighted and am determine to perform much much better. So, I'll probably utilizing on this psychology technique on my students (and my children when I have them).
3- I hope to stay humble when appropriate. Well, there are situations where we need to give some attitude right? Hahaha...

Most importantly, I need to keep praying for Allah's guidance and help throughout my journey of PhD and journey of life. Also I have to keep praying so that my supervisors will stay supportive and nice to me.

Not to forget, my heartfelt gratitude to all of you who leaves constructive and supportive comments on my Shut The H*** UP post. I know thank you is not enough. May Allah bless us all.